I've not forgotten the day Xavier took his first step. Neither have I forgotten the day he said his first word.
It's just that, when you're finally a mother, these things actually matter to you, like they're your wedding anniversaries, like the birthdays of your crushes, like they're the days of the huge sales at the mall or something. For some reason, things that never mattered before become so important like they're the world. It's a sudden realization that you're already a grown up, that you have to be mature, that you have a responsibility.
The responsibility of another's responsibility, your own child, the flesh and blood of your lover and yourself.
The Lord's responsibility is the world, and we are his world. But it's up to Virgin Mary - mothers - to raise the children of the Lord. And perhaps that's why I take pride in watching them splash about in the bath, why I take pride in mentioning them all the time, because I believe children are the only gift God gives to us. It's the only miracle which can happen to ordinary people like us, although I know there are some others out there with special cases.
Let me ask all the mothers out there; What was the first thing you did when your baby was brought into this world?
And let me ask all the fathers out there; What was the first thing you did when your baby was brought into this world?
Often, for the mothers, we cuddle them. The first thing we do is to hold them close, no matter how bloody they may be, and tell yourself, this is my baby, and I'm going to protect him and love him unconditionally. And then we start crying, because finally, finally, we get to see our flesh and blood, the child we've been waiting to meet for our past 25 years or so.
Fathers? I could say that most fathers'd look at the baby's toes and fingers and make sure they have the right amount. I still haven't figured that out. I remember when I gave birth to Xavier I slept for a long, long time. I was in the ICU for some time, and somehow I just survived, because I told myself I haven't seen yet the baby I've been carrying inside me for 38 weeks. I thought, if I could survive the contractions, then oh God, I can survive anything else. And when Caitlyn was finally out, the first thing I did was to just hold her close.
I don't know why I paid special attention to what Kevin was doing, but I just did. And it was surprising. He didn't count the number of fingers, or toes, she had. He just came over, put his arms around me and Caitlyn, and that was that. No counting. No looking. To us, our children are just perfect they way they are. No questions. She was ours, and she was perfect. After that, I just started crying. I was supposed to catch some sleep but I couldn't, I was too excited, and I was too scared the same thing would happen like the other time, though I knew there was no possibilty it would since the doctor said I was okay.
But I still cried, I remember I did. Not for the contractions, not for the nine months to be finally over, but for the joy of giving life to another child, for the joy of having another person who birthed from me. For another child who would call me her mother, and Kevin her father. It's indescribable, the feeling. The excitement of wanting to jump up from my bed and just playing with my baby all day long and doing nothing else.
I think marriage is another miracle. I know this line totally doesn't relate to this whole entry but it was a sudden thought, you know, about relating marriage with sex with children.
Okay, I'm over.
Some women hate men. Some men hate women. Some couples fight all the time. Some couples lie to each other. Some couples marry for money. Some couples marry for the sake of marrying.
Some couples forget their wedding vows.
It is still vivid in my mind, that day. May 25th, 2003, Sunday. And the vows are more than remembered, they are memorized, we say it every single day.
He said;
I, Kevin Colemann, take you, Monica Machese, to be my friend, my lover, the mother of my children and my wife. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in failure and in triumph. As my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquility, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not know yet, in all the ways that life may find us. I promise to laugh with you in good times, to struggle with you in bad; to solace you when you are downhearted; to wipe your tears with my hands; to comfort you with my body; to mirror you with my soul; to share with you all my riches and honors; to play with you as much as I can until we grow old; and, still loving each other sweetly and gladly, our lives shall come to an end. I love you.
I said;
I, Monica Machese, take you, Kevin Colemann, to be my partner, loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. I promise to live with you and laugh with you; to stand by your side, and sleep in your arms; to be joy to your heart, and food for your soul; to bring out the best in you always, and, for you, to be the most that I can. I anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the man you will become, and falling in love a little more every day. I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us, and I thank the Lord for the love that has bound our hearts and lives together in spiritual fellowship of marriage. I will love, honor, and cherish you always, as we enter upon the privileges and joys of life's most holy relationship, and begin together the great adventure of life. I will love you in sickness as in health, in poverty as in wealth, in sorrow as in joy, and will be true to you, so long as we both shall live. I love you.
We said as we exchanged our rings;
May this ring forever be to you the symbol of my growing love.
And the priest said;
I hereby declare you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Although ours was self-written and a bit lengthy, it still gives me a furry warm feeling every day I say it. Even though I've said it for 1184 days (I counted this!). We mean it every single time we say it, and I know he does by that expression in his eyes, the same one he gave on May 25th, 2003. And that smile, that smile I see everytime when we're driving and I lean against him or do something weird. And that - face. That face so familiar, I see it everyday, every morning, every night. Those nights I couldn't sleep or those nights when Xavier cried from nightmares, and those nights when Caitlyn couldn't stop crying. When he would get up no matter how tired he was, or what time he had to get up the next day. He would get up if I couldn't, and he'd go to their room, pick them up, cuddle them and then give them what they needed.
I'm lucky to have such a good partner. A lot of adults don't, no? They say they have no time, they say they can't, and so they don't. They don't find true love, they don't wake up to seeing the person they love right beside them. They don't feel good. At all. They don't smile the way I do when I see Kevin playing with Xavier outside as I lean against the door. They don't smile the way I do when Kevin offers to change Caitlyn's diapers. They can never imitate that smile I have on my face when Kevin reaches over to plant a kiss right on my lips. And they can never, ever imitate that smile when Kevin fingers my ring, and says the marriage vow every single night.
Why is it that people have this idea of romantic being in Venice sitting in a boat? Sure, the place is wonderful, but why don't you look for something simpler? Dinner and movies for a night just for the two of you? A day at the beach with your kids? Or simply just turn on the music, light a few candles, lie on the bed and talk about everything there is to talk about, you in his arms.
Sure, some women love being the boss. Some women are career-minded, and they love being so. But, I mean, let go a little. I never aspired to be the CEO of some big company, but I never wanted to be a useless bum after I got married either. Sure, you can aspire, but why let it get in your way of finding a partner? True love doesn't necessarily mean giving up your job, does it? True love can only make you feel like giving up your job, everything, but if you don't, you don't have to.
How else do you think the other women found their other halfs?
Kevin loves the kids, and he's been a good father. He's been faithful, he's been working to raise our kids, and I know. And I appreciate him. I tell him I care by attempting to stay up to wait for him while watching Tivo, although I fall asleep on the couch most of the time. I tell him I care by letting him watch his Grey Anatomy reruns on the weekends while I'm busy with the kids, and stuff like that. I tell him I care by giving him a peck on the lips as he comes through the door everyday.
And he does too. When he works OT and he comes home and he sees me sleeping with the Tivo on, he comes over as quietly as he can, gives me a kiss, and heads over to the bathroom. When he's out he'd carry me into the room where by that time I'd 'magically' awake and start talking to him. When I let him watch his reruns he'd at least carry one of the kids and sit there so I'd have to take care of one person less. And he's never been unfaithful.
He's never stopped loving me.
It's those little things we do, that makes so much a difference, that tells our partners that we love them. The most important thing is to remember the marriage vow, your marriage vow. The vow you made for a commitment and not in the heat of a moment. The paragraph that you will forever remember til that very last breath you take, that paragraph that takes you through it all. There's nothing a pair of lovers can't solve.
And I'm "falling in love a little more every day" with my man.
This morning when I was bringing my kids for Caitlyn's regular check up, our neighbour (a couple from Hong Kong who met in the states in college) two houses left was teaching her four year old son Adsel how he shouldn't run out when the ground's wet, 'cause you might slip and fall and hurt yourself'. I was quite surprised when I heard this - the truth was she sounded like a preacher, you know, those kinds that talk endlessly for an hour with not even a bit of humour.
So I didn't want to interfere, I mean, that's not any of my business cause that's between her and husband's beliefs and decisions on how to raise their child. I asked Xavier to sit on the porch while I fasten his sister on the car seat, as we did everytime, and he did. I was on the buckle when I heard Tessa (that's our neighbour) suddenly yelled 'see I told you! you still ran!', and Adsel was crying. Well, in my part to be a good and helpful neighbour (right) I buckled the sleeping Caitlyn on her seat, locked the door, opened a bit of her window, and then held Xavier's hand as we walked two houses to Tessa's. All the way he was a good boy - he kept practising to say 'run' but his tongue wouldn't let him, it was just 'lun, lun, lun' and I was laughing, I just can't help it sometimes, he's a good and cute boy. Just like his father.
Anyway, so we reached there in a while (I mean, it was just two houses) and Tessa and Adsel were on the porch, Adsel wasn't crying so badly, but he had a scrape and some scratches on his knee. I called hi and Tessa did the same, and asked me to come in. So I pushed open her gate as Xavier half ran half staggered in, because he just loved Adsel so much he wouldn't want to come home when I needed Tessa to babysit. Tessa was all anxious when she saw Xavier running, and asked him to stop. But my sixteen month old didn't seem to want to listen, he slipped and fell on his butt in a puddle. Seeing this Tessa walked (RAN) over and picked him up, and I was just standing there watching. She was so tensed, asking Xavier if he was okay, and then hugging him. But my boy didn't cry, he never gets cranky unless he's sleepy or hungry.
So Xavier just turned and looked around for me. He didn't cry, he didn't yell, he didn't crank up. He just reached his arms out towards my direction. I took his cue and walked over, taking him into my arms, where he buried his face in my shirt and listened to me as I was telling him the only line I was going to use to fuss over him.
'It hurts does it?'
He nodded. I rested my head on his and held him close.
'Good, so you won't do it again, will you?'
He shook his head.
'Now that's a good boy. Do you want to wait in the car?'
He shook his head again.
'No? You wanna wait here with me?'
He nodded.
'Okay,' and then I kissed my sixteen month old on the cheek.
Tessa by this time was looking at me like I was a bit stupid or something. Like the truth somehow needed to sink in, like I needed my brain to repeat the sentence, my son just fell down on his butt into a puddle of water, and I need to fuss over him asking him every single question I can ask about. Well, I didn't really say anything on that. All I went was;
'Adsel fell on the same puddle?'
She nodded, and then suddenly remembered that her son was on the bench on the porch. Who thankfully stopped crying when Xavier fell. So we both walked over to Adsel, where Tessa sat with him and I carried Xavier who was still burying his face in my shirt. He always does that whenever he falls but he knows he doesn't want to cry.
'Hello, Adsel,' I said, trying to get Xavier to get up, and he did. The two of them smiled and Adsel said hello back.
"Are you feeling better now?'
He said yes.
'Don't do that again, okay? Your mommy's gonna be so worried about you,'
He said okay Mrs Colemann. (an address which somehow he doesn't want to change)
I told him to call me Monica.
He said okay aunt Monica.
(HAHAHAHAHAHA I AM AN AUNTIE)
Somehow children like the pinky thing, and he offered his pinky, so I did. Tessa said she'd better clean up the scraped-scratched wound (which I don't really consider a wound) and invited me in for coffee. I told her I have Caitlyn in the car and I had to go. Then I carried a head-burying Xavier into the car where I checked his butt and spine for major injuries.
They say that anyone can be a mother; it just takes something else to be a mom. And a mom has to learn how to let her children learn. For me, I let my children learn by falling. I don't want to give a five-hour lecture, cause I've been there and I know how irritating that is, to have a bee buzzing around your ear. Theory never works as well as practical, and so I let my children learn by letting them experiencing. I let Xavier fall, if he doesn't want to listen to me. I let Caitlyn roll everywhere on the bed, although yes of course I pick her up when she's on the edge but I let her go close to it, I don't ask her to stay in one position and not move cause it's the safest. I let Xavier mess around with the chocolate and the clothes, and the dinner, and the salad, because I want him to learn by making mistakes, I want him to learn that everything he does has its consequences.
Now I might help him to clean it up, but I ask him to do the things that he can manage. When he's older, I'll let him clean it up by himself.
I love my kids, and that's why I don't keep them in the safest position. Because it isn't like that in the world, you can't be safe all the time, you need to learn. You need to learn how to get yourself back to the safest position, like how Caitlyn can roll around and round and round and round (she LOVES rolling) and ends up in the middle of the bed.
They say, you can catch a fish for a starving man but you can choose to teach the man how to fish. To be a mom - you need to be that person who teaches your child how to fish, because you can't provide him all his life, nor keep him safe.
